If I had to choose one word to describe the theme of my life for the past 3 years it would be trust. From a very young age, it was drilled into me by my parents and especially my grandma to trust God for everything in my life. I would roll my eyes and say "I know," as they would explain how important this is. As I got older I would tell myself, "I'm trusting God," when, in reality, I had never even experienced a time where I really had to trust God. I was blessed with a loving family, great friends, and a comfortable home. My parents made sure that I had everything I needed to be happy. Sure, like anyone, I had disappointments and trials, but looking back on my childhood and adolescence, I can honestly say I never went through a really difficult time.
It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I would learn that having trust in God is absolutely crucial to maintaining true joy and peace.
My journey from fear and sorrow to peace and joy:
Shortly after the beginning of my senior year, I made the conscious decision to begin discerning whether or not I was called to religious life. As a cradle Catholic, raised by devout Catholic parents who are active in the church, and being accustomed to being around priests and religious, the idea of dedicating my life to Jesus in the convent was not totally foreign to me. I was always open to this vocation, so the thought of seriously discerning it was not one that frightened me. What I didn't know was that making this choice would lead to the most difficult year of my life, so far.
Now, it's important to note that from the very beginning of that year I was already experiencing more stress than I had ever experienced in all my high school years. The pressure to find a college, pick a career, and essentially figure out how I was going to spend the rest of my life was weighing on me, like it does on most high school students. I believe that I felt this more keenly than many, however. While most of my friends had sent in their college applications, I had not even decided if I wanted to go to college, period. I didn't feel particularly drawn to any one major nor did I feel motivated to throw myself into 4 more years of school. This caused me to feel alienated from my friends who had picked their majors and were excited to start their college life. I wanted the college experience, but I didn't know if it was what I was supposed to do. I felt out of place and uncertain what my purpose in life was.
In November, I began what turned out to be a year and a half of intense prayer, sorrow, and fear. I'm not going to tell you all the details of my discernment in this post, but I will say this; discerning religious life was not easy. It was extremely difficult, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. After a few months with the guidance of my spiritual director, I became almost certain that I was called to religious life, but unlike before, the idea now terrified me because it became much more real. Looking back I was honestly pretty unhappy at times. It took quite some time for me to realize that this unhappiness was due to a complete lack of trust in God's plan for me. This realization was a game-changer and without it I don't know how I would have survived the rest of that year. Now, there wasn't a moment when I snapped my fingers and suddenly found myself perfectly trusting God. It was more of a gradual process where I began incorporating this trust into every part of my daily life and my discernment.
But, even though the change was gradual, I began noticing the effects almost immediately. When I would go to do a holy hour at the church, rather than feeling unsettled, scared, and sad like before, I had a sense of peace, security, and joy. Even though nothing else had changed in my discernment; I still thought I was called but was still terrified of actually entering the convent; everything felt so different. I wasn't stressed and miserable anymore. Now, this isn't to say that my emotional, mental, and spiritual difficulties miraculously disappeared. But, the difference was that even during those trials, those times of uncertainty and sorrow, I was able to maintain joy and peace. Once I had this joy and peace I began receiving more clarity about my vocation and eventually was able to discern that religious life was not my calling.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Okay that sounds great, Mary, but how did you actually start trusting God? It's easier said than done." You're right, it is easier said than done. But, I'm here to tell you that it's not as hard as you might think. To understand this, let's first discuss what trust actually is.
What is Trust in God?
In defining trust, I find it helpful to explain what it is not. Plain and simple, trust is not worrying. In fact, it is quite literally the absence of worrying. When we worry about things we can't control we are, more or less, telling God that we don't trust Him. It shows a lack of faith in the very one who gave us life in the first place, who can see our future, and who is watching over us every second that we breathe. Ultimately, trusting is an act of love for our creator, while worrying is an insult to Him. Realizing this influenced my view of trust and helped me to see that worrying not only harms me, but it also hurts God. So, when I struggle to choose to trust for my own sake, I can, instead, choose to trust out of love for Him. In contrast to worrying, trusting God is placing every fear and anxiety at the foot of the cross and saying, "I give this situation, decision, fear, or trial to you, Jesus. I fully believe that you are watching over me and that you have a perfect plan for me and, whatever the outcome, I accept it because I know it is your will." Trust is total surrender to God and perfect conformity to His will. It is the key to having joy even amidst the worst suffering.
How do we eliminate worry?
So, now we know what trust is. But, how do we go about eliminating the vice of worrying in our lives in order to begin trusting? Well, worrying is usually a product of overthinking. When we have some big decision to make or when something is uncertain we often start trying to work out every minor detail and predict what is going to happen weeks, months, or even years in the future. This bad habit can result in a lot of unnecessary stress, and as we all know, stress often leads to worry. Now, I'm not making the claim that we should never look ahead, plan for the future, or try to solve problems on our own. But, as with many things in life, moderation is key.
For example, last year I felt a strong calling to do pro-life work and applied for a job with Justice For All in Wichita, Kansas. Once I got the job it was several months before I would start working, but there were a lot of changes that I needed to prepare for. Not only would I be living away from home for the first time, but I would also be living in a new state, leaving my family, friends, and boyfriend, and starting a new job with people I had never met. It was pretty nerve-racking, to say the least. I obviously needed to prepare myself for these drastic changes both mentally and spiritually. In hindsight, this was a time in my life when I could have very easily become stressed and worried. Rather than living in the moment, I could have chosen to spend my time looking way ahead into the next 8 months of my life, over analyzing every possible outcome of accepting this job, being sad about leaving the people I love, and worrying that I was making the wrong choice. But, instead I chose to trust God. I planned for the future without living in the future.
We always hear the saying "Live one day at a time." I know it seems cliché but it really sums up what is at the heart of complete trust in God and I think it perfectly describes how I was able to be joyful even during a time of change, uncertainty, and even sadness. I truly did my best to live one day and even one moment at a time. Sure, there were definitely moments when I would start to overthink, but I immediately recognized this as lack of trust and would then make an effort to refocus my thoughts on God, reminding myself that He knows my future and surrendering myself to his will. I continue to do this every single day. Each time I have a big decision to make, a challenge to face, or a fear to overcome, I do my best to make a prudent decision, accomplish the task, and prevail over my fear, but I trust God for the outcome, by simply living each moment to the next, knowing that whatever happens is His will. This is essentially what trust and perfect conformity to God's will looks like.
What now?
Overthinking leads to stress. Stress leads to worry. Worry leads to lack of trust. Lack of trust leads to loss of peace and joy. So, here's my simple advice to you: stop overthinking, stop stressing, and stop worrying. Instead, live one day at a time. Focus on today, on the here and now. Don't waste the beautiful opportunities of today, by worrying about the possibilities of tomorrow. Give your fears, uncertainties, and anxieties to Jesus and trust Him to take care of you. He has never once let you down and He never will! If you can do this I promise you, you will experience an overwhelming sense of peace and joy that you have never experienced before. And the best part is that even amidst the most difficult trials, this peace and joy will prevail.
In closing, let's contemplate on the clearest lesson on trust found in the Bible, given to us by Jesus, himself:
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all." ~ Matthew 6: 25-32